I trust you.
repeat it, mean it, and know it's true.
I trust you.
Love,
your child.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
When we think *we've* got it.
So lately, I have been having issues with crazy amounts of panic attacks and down right depression. I have fought with it for a few years now, but each attack is the same but a little different- usually they get progressively worse.
It came to a boiling point tonight when I just burst into tears when my mom asked me how I was doing. She knows that I have problems with this because she is the one who I talk to about it usually. She is my 'safe person' as you would hear it in a psychology book.
I tell my mom everything. She is literally my best friend in the world and I am so thankful to have her to be able to talk to.
Tonight, my mom spoke some words that brought me out of this massive depression that I have been in for the past week.
After I spent probably 30 minutes going over the same things I always say are making me panic..mom says a sentence and at the end of it she says the phrase "God's will". It was like I ran into an invisible wall. BOOM.
It made sense.
My panic attacks are as followed:
one bad thought.
two bad thoughts.
three bad thoughts.
infinite bad thoughts about the future
thoughts about failing
thoughts about anything that scares me
I figured out that I have let The Enemy (The Devil, Satan, Lucifer- whatever name you want to pin on him) get into my head and help me get lost in a sea of negativity and fear. For the past week, I have been in the worst of my issues yet. I felt like my mind was just scrambled and I could not think about anything happy. I thought about the most morbid, sad things that had to do with the future. I thought about death, sadness, fear, uncertainty. I let me get tangled up in my own mind that had been polluted with this utter crap that Mr. Devil had stuck in my head. See, I don't blame him for a lot. But I am a very happy person and very positive, so I know that when I am sad to the point of tears every single day with no reason at all..there is an outside source.
I have always had issues with fear and losing the people I love. What has he used on me to turn me into this shell of a person? The fear of death and losing the people I love. and failure. and making mistakes.
"God's will."
I realized that I had been in my own head, keeping God out of it. I have been trying to fight this battle on my own. I was convinced that I was crazy. But I promise you, the moment I looked at my mom and admitted that I have let my walk with God slip and that I was trying to deal with all of this on my own, I felt a weight lift off me. It felt like I could breathe again.
It is so easy to forget that God is there, waiting to help, wanting to help, and needing to help. We need Him, and yet it is so easy just to say, "No God, let me do this on my own. I think I can handle this." Mm mm. No no. I have learned the hard way. God absolutely must be first- numero uno- in my life. When I give that little bit of space in mind that should be more space for Him..just for other thoughts- the enemy sneaks in and plants that little seed of doubt. The seed grows and takes over the other space that is for God, and before I knew it, I am lost in this massive field of hellish thoughts. And I as going through each row just harvesting away.
My life is in God's will. He knows everything that is going to happen to me. He IS my future. Why am I sitting here in constant fear of my future, when no matter what happens- God IS my future. No matter what happens around me, God IS my future. He was my past, even when I denied Him. He is my Present, even when I try to run from Him. And He will be my future, through all of the mistakes I may or may not make. I have no need to sit in my room and just stew over these thoughts, letting them rob me of my future. God is my future.
He holds it all.
If we all could just remember that simple fact, life would seem so much less complicated. Yes we have decisions to make..important decisions. But, don't worry. God is there, knowing what is going on. He's got this. He's got it all.
Stress has no place in my mind. Psalm 27:1- The Lord is my light and my salvation so why should I be afraid?
Fear has no place in my mind. - 2Timothy 1:7- For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Worry has no place in my mind. Psalm 37:5- Commit you way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
God has it all. He's got it.
It came to a boiling point tonight when I just burst into tears when my mom asked me how I was doing. She knows that I have problems with this because she is the one who I talk to about it usually. She is my 'safe person' as you would hear it in a psychology book.
I tell my mom everything. She is literally my best friend in the world and I am so thankful to have her to be able to talk to.
Tonight, my mom spoke some words that brought me out of this massive depression that I have been in for the past week.
After I spent probably 30 minutes going over the same things I always say are making me panic..mom says a sentence and at the end of it she says the phrase "God's will". It was like I ran into an invisible wall. BOOM.
It made sense.
My panic attacks are as followed:
one bad thought.
two bad thoughts.
three bad thoughts.
infinite bad thoughts about the future
thoughts about failing
thoughts about anything that scares me
I figured out that I have let The Enemy (The Devil, Satan, Lucifer- whatever name you want to pin on him) get into my head and help me get lost in a sea of negativity and fear. For the past week, I have been in the worst of my issues yet. I felt like my mind was just scrambled and I could not think about anything happy. I thought about the most morbid, sad things that had to do with the future. I thought about death, sadness, fear, uncertainty. I let me get tangled up in my own mind that had been polluted with this utter crap that Mr. Devil had stuck in my head. See, I don't blame him for a lot. But I am a very happy person and very positive, so I know that when I am sad to the point of tears every single day with no reason at all..there is an outside source.
I have always had issues with fear and losing the people I love. What has he used on me to turn me into this shell of a person? The fear of death and losing the people I love. and failure. and making mistakes.
"God's will."
I realized that I had been in my own head, keeping God out of it. I have been trying to fight this battle on my own. I was convinced that I was crazy. But I promise you, the moment I looked at my mom and admitted that I have let my walk with God slip and that I was trying to deal with all of this on my own, I felt a weight lift off me. It felt like I could breathe again.
It is so easy to forget that God is there, waiting to help, wanting to help, and needing to help. We need Him, and yet it is so easy just to say, "No God, let me do this on my own. I think I can handle this." Mm mm. No no. I have learned the hard way. God absolutely must be first- numero uno- in my life. When I give that little bit of space in mind that should be more space for Him..just for other thoughts- the enemy sneaks in and plants that little seed of doubt. The seed grows and takes over the other space that is for God, and before I knew it, I am lost in this massive field of hellish thoughts. And I as going through each row just harvesting away.
My life is in God's will. He knows everything that is going to happen to me. He IS my future. Why am I sitting here in constant fear of my future, when no matter what happens- God IS my future. No matter what happens around me, God IS my future. He was my past, even when I denied Him. He is my Present, even when I try to run from Him. And He will be my future, through all of the mistakes I may or may not make. I have no need to sit in my room and just stew over these thoughts, letting them rob me of my future. God is my future.
He holds it all.
If we all could just remember that simple fact, life would seem so much less complicated. Yes we have decisions to make..important decisions. But, don't worry. God is there, knowing what is going on. He's got this. He's got it all.
Stress has no place in my mind. Psalm 27:1- The Lord is my light and my salvation so why should I be afraid?
Fear has no place in my mind. - 2Timothy 1:7- For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Worry has no place in my mind. Psalm 37:5- Commit you way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
God has it all. He's got it.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Music Speaks.
Music.
Music is one of the most powerful things ever created. It can evoke so many emotions out of someone.
Love. Sadness. Happiness. Longing.
and praise.
One of the biggest things that happens to me when I listen to certain songs is that I cannot help but feel God's presence. And no, I am not talking about listening to the typical "We love you, Jesus. Praise you, holy, holy, Lord." type song. I mean, yes, those are great and all, but when you listen to a song that is purely instrumental and can feel the peace of God.
Instrumental songs to me are music in the purest form. The music speaks for itself. It doesn't need someone to put words with it. The song stands on its own, allowing your soul to create the words to go along with it.
I have this thing where I will listen to a song- my instrument of choice is usually the piano, as all of you who know me know-, and I can shut my eyes...and I feel like I am in a completely different place than where I currently am. It is like I have drifted away. Sometimes, it feels like the times when I have drifted are perhaps the tiniest, most incredibly small glimpses of Heaven. I can listen to certain songs and just know. I know that God is real. I know that Heaven is real. I know that God's love for me is more tangible than anything in this entire world, and that when I need Him, He will always be there. I can hear a song and feel it in my heart.
I shared this video on my facebook, but I will put it here as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP4C-Tj7Bmo
The song is called Sunrise by Doug Hammer.
I am going to explain to you guys what happened when I listened to this song.
I was making my bed, and I had Pandora on. I had my headphones on, just doing my own thing. All of a sudden, this absolutely captivating melody hits me. I am stunned. I stop making my bed and just stood there for the entire four minutes. I am overwhelmed by this feeling of undeniable reassurance and peace from God. This song said so much to me at once; it was astounding how many emotions just one song could evoke.
I felt at peace, inspired, hopeful, loved, and reassured.
Now, I have no idea how the composer of this song is. I don't know him from Adam. But I do know that this song had deep meaning for me- and that is what is amazing about this beautiful thing we call music. The ability for each person to interpret it however they see fit.
The emotion he got from me was absolute praise.
So as this song plays, I am just standing in the middle of my room with my eyes shut. Corny as it sounds, I was just letting the music speak to me. Yes, I know...music speaking, what a typical thing to say. But I will say that one of my favourite quotes is by Hans Christian Andersen which says, "Where words fail, music speaks."
So instead of fouling up a beautiful thing, I let the music speak to me.
In those 4 minutes, this song said more to me than sitting through an hour long sermon.
Some thoughts that hit me, and I kid you not. This is what I think of when I hear this (I am listening to it on repeat while I write this):
When things are bad, God is always there. He is perfect even when situations aren't, which they usually never are. He is there from the time I wake up until I go to bed, and then he is with me all the night long. He protects me. He comforts me. He brings me the ability to love and to feel joy- to see things in the positive because He makes all things work together for my good. He gives me peace in the times when I am afraid. He saved me. I am worthy of His love. No matter what I have done- the mistakes I have made..anything..He loves me and He always will. He will never leave me alone. When I am broken, He knows how to bring me that feeling of comfort, that everything will be okay sooner than later.
The Reassurance that God is real. That He is in everything. God is everywhere. His light is in me. I am His child that He has given every opportunity to. He sees my dreams and inspires me to chase them. When I think I am a failure, He tells me that I am special.
That no matter how bad things are there will always be a better day. Always.
Never give up on your dreams.
---
I guess God finds ways to speak to us all. He knows that music is a huge way to get through to me. I have been struggling lately with a few things, like prayer..a lot of things that Christians have issues with everyday. Hearing this song has helped to heal me in a certain way. I don't mean heal in the sense of being sick, but it helped me realize a few things that I had forgotten; thus, my spirit is mending in some of the ways that it felt broken.
We all need to be reminded of God's infinite love for us sometimes.
I know I have lately, and tonight has been a beautiful night of that.
My heart is steadfast O God, my heart is steadfast. I will sing and make music. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. Psalm 57:7-11.
Music is one of the most powerful things ever created. It can evoke so many emotions out of someone.
Love. Sadness. Happiness. Longing.
and praise.
One of the biggest things that happens to me when I listen to certain songs is that I cannot help but feel God's presence. And no, I am not talking about listening to the typical "We love you, Jesus. Praise you, holy, holy, Lord." type song. I mean, yes, those are great and all, but when you listen to a song that is purely instrumental and can feel the peace of God.
Instrumental songs to me are music in the purest form. The music speaks for itself. It doesn't need someone to put words with it. The song stands on its own, allowing your soul to create the words to go along with it.
I have this thing where I will listen to a song- my instrument of choice is usually the piano, as all of you who know me know-, and I can shut my eyes...and I feel like I am in a completely different place than where I currently am. It is like I have drifted away. Sometimes, it feels like the times when I have drifted are perhaps the tiniest, most incredibly small glimpses of Heaven. I can listen to certain songs and just know. I know that God is real. I know that Heaven is real. I know that God's love for me is more tangible than anything in this entire world, and that when I need Him, He will always be there. I can hear a song and feel it in my heart.
I shared this video on my facebook, but I will put it here as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP4C-Tj7Bmo
The song is called Sunrise by Doug Hammer.
I am going to explain to you guys what happened when I listened to this song.
I was making my bed, and I had Pandora on. I had my headphones on, just doing my own thing. All of a sudden, this absolutely captivating melody hits me. I am stunned. I stop making my bed and just stood there for the entire four minutes. I am overwhelmed by this feeling of undeniable reassurance and peace from God. This song said so much to me at once; it was astounding how many emotions just one song could evoke.
I felt at peace, inspired, hopeful, loved, and reassured.
Now, I have no idea how the composer of this song is. I don't know him from Adam. But I do know that this song had deep meaning for me- and that is what is amazing about this beautiful thing we call music. The ability for each person to interpret it however they see fit.
The emotion he got from me was absolute praise.
So as this song plays, I am just standing in the middle of my room with my eyes shut. Corny as it sounds, I was just letting the music speak to me. Yes, I know...music speaking, what a typical thing to say. But I will say that one of my favourite quotes is by Hans Christian Andersen which says, "Where words fail, music speaks."
So instead of fouling up a beautiful thing, I let the music speak to me.
In those 4 minutes, this song said more to me than sitting through an hour long sermon.
Some thoughts that hit me, and I kid you not. This is what I think of when I hear this (I am listening to it on repeat while I write this):
When things are bad, God is always there. He is perfect even when situations aren't, which they usually never are. He is there from the time I wake up until I go to bed, and then he is with me all the night long. He protects me. He comforts me. He brings me the ability to love and to feel joy- to see things in the positive because He makes all things work together for my good. He gives me peace in the times when I am afraid. He saved me. I am worthy of His love. No matter what I have done- the mistakes I have made..anything..He loves me and He always will. He will never leave me alone. When I am broken, He knows how to bring me that feeling of comfort, that everything will be okay sooner than later.
The Reassurance that God is real. That He is in everything. God is everywhere. His light is in me. I am His child that He has given every opportunity to. He sees my dreams and inspires me to chase them. When I think I am a failure, He tells me that I am special.
That no matter how bad things are there will always be a better day. Always.
Never give up on your dreams.
---
I guess God finds ways to speak to us all. He knows that music is a huge way to get through to me. I have been struggling lately with a few things, like prayer..a lot of things that Christians have issues with everyday. Hearing this song has helped to heal me in a certain way. I don't mean heal in the sense of being sick, but it helped me realize a few things that I had forgotten; thus, my spirit is mending in some of the ways that it felt broken.
We all need to be reminded of God's infinite love for us sometimes.
I know I have lately, and tonight has been a beautiful night of that.
My heart is steadfast O God, my heart is steadfast. I will sing and make music. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. Psalm 57:7-11.
Friday, December 24, 2010
I played my best for Him.
Christmas.
I love this holiday so much. It used to be all about presents. You know, the childish wonder of Santa Claus and what he would bring.
As I have gotten older I have really began to understand what Christmas really is about. Yes you get all of those forwarded text messages that say in massive letters "Remember the real reason for the season." To me that refers to a few things which all go hand in hand together.
Now, when I hear "Christmas", I think of a few words.
Family.
Friends.
Giving.
Receiving (yes, still. If you don't think about how awesome it is to get presents, then you are fibbing.)
Love.
and Jesus Christ.
I am a relatively new Christian I guess you would say. I finally understood what it meant to be "saved" on January the 6th, 2007, at 2:30 a.m. by my bedside. I realized what Jesus meant to me and how I could not deny my need for him anymore.
But to go further into my definition of me being a fairly new Christian- I know I still have so much to learn before I can graduate up to another level. I will admit that I have never read the bible all the way through. I don't even read it daily. I fall short on many levels. I am still maturing in Christ.
But from the moment when I told Jesus that He was my life from that point on, Christmas has taken on a whole new meaning. I mean, I knew what Christmas was about..but not what it was about.
As a small glimpse into what I mean, here is this:
The other day, I was listening to Christmas music while fixing myself up to go somewhere. You know, hair, makeup, etc. Just being a girl.
I had my Christmas playlist (which is huge. I love me some Christmas music) on shuffle. It goes from Trans-Siberian Orchestra to some Elvis..then to Josh Groban. Yes, he has a beautiful voice. Yes, his music is moving. However, the song that came on usually would not seem like one that would have a profound affect on someone.
The Little Drummer Boy. One of the most overlooked carols. One of the "cheesiest" carols, I have heard it put.
But as I listened to the song that I have heard since I was little, I really listened to it. I didn't passively sing the lyrics. I listened.
Here are the lyrics that we all know.
At the end of this song, I had tears streaming down my face. My freshly applied makeup was in ruin.
This quaint Christmas carol had humbled me to the point of tears.
I will tell you the reason why it got me so bad. Okay, so...this little boy. He is so excited to see Jesus. He gets to meet the Saviour. The real deal. He looks around and he sees this massive crowd of people. The people all have these gifts. Expensive, beautiful, out of his reach gifts.
All he has is his drum. His small drum.
He walks up to Jesus, the one who would redeem the world. Who would die for all of us. and he gives the most precious gift of all. He gives Jesus his best.
He played his best for him. He gave Jesus the very best of himself. The best of his love. He didn't have anything else, but by having nothing, he gave Jesus everything. And Jesus smiled at him.
The bible tells us to humble ourselves as children. I can see why! This little boy had it right. I imagine he was very nervous, not having an actual gift..but he gave his best.
Why is it so hard for me to give my best? I want to give Jesus everything that I have to offer. I want to be able to humble myself and not be ashamed. To walk up in front of the crowd and play my best for him.
He is the reason for the season. He is the reason for everything. I want Him to have my best.
I love this holiday so much. It used to be all about presents. You know, the childish wonder of Santa Claus and what he would bring.
As I have gotten older I have really began to understand what Christmas really is about. Yes you get all of those forwarded text messages that say in massive letters "Remember the real reason for the season." To me that refers to a few things which all go hand in hand together.
Now, when I hear "Christmas", I think of a few words.
Family.
Friends.
Giving.
Receiving (yes, still. If you don't think about how awesome it is to get presents, then you are fibbing.)
Love.
and Jesus Christ.
I am a relatively new Christian I guess you would say. I finally understood what it meant to be "saved" on January the 6th, 2007, at 2:30 a.m. by my bedside. I realized what Jesus meant to me and how I could not deny my need for him anymore.
But to go further into my definition of me being a fairly new Christian- I know I still have so much to learn before I can graduate up to another level. I will admit that I have never read the bible all the way through. I don't even read it daily. I fall short on many levels. I am still maturing in Christ.
But from the moment when I told Jesus that He was my life from that point on, Christmas has taken on a whole new meaning. I mean, I knew what Christmas was about..but not what it was about.
As a small glimpse into what I mean, here is this:
The other day, I was listening to Christmas music while fixing myself up to go somewhere. You know, hair, makeup, etc. Just being a girl.
I had my Christmas playlist (which is huge. I love me some Christmas music) on shuffle. It goes from Trans-Siberian Orchestra to some Elvis..then to Josh Groban. Yes, he has a beautiful voice. Yes, his music is moving. However, the song that came on usually would not seem like one that would have a profound affect on someone.
The Little Drummer Boy. One of the most overlooked carols. One of the "cheesiest" carols, I have heard it put.
But as I listened to the song that I have heard since I was little, I really listened to it. I didn't passively sing the lyrics. I listened.
Here are the lyrics that we all know.
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum, When we come.
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum, On my drum?
Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum Me and my drum.
At the end of this song, I had tears streaming down my face. My freshly applied makeup was in ruin.
This quaint Christmas carol had humbled me to the point of tears.
I will tell you the reason why it got me so bad. Okay, so...this little boy. He is so excited to see Jesus. He gets to meet the Saviour. The real deal. He looks around and he sees this massive crowd of people. The people all have these gifts. Expensive, beautiful, out of his reach gifts.
All he has is his drum. His small drum.
He walks up to Jesus, the one who would redeem the world. Who would die for all of us. and he gives the most precious gift of all. He gives Jesus his best.
He played his best for him. He gave Jesus the very best of himself. The best of his love. He didn't have anything else, but by having nothing, he gave Jesus everything. And Jesus smiled at him.
The bible tells us to humble ourselves as children. I can see why! This little boy had it right. I imagine he was very nervous, not having an actual gift..but he gave his best.
Why is it so hard for me to give my best? I want to give Jesus everything that I have to offer. I want to be able to humble myself and not be ashamed. To walk up in front of the crowd and play my best for him.
He is the reason for the season. He is the reason for everything. I want Him to have my best.
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