I trust you.
repeat it, mean it, and know it's true.
I trust you.
Love,
your child.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
When we think *we've* got it.
So lately, I have been having issues with crazy amounts of panic attacks and down right depression. I have fought with it for a few years now, but each attack is the same but a little different- usually they get progressively worse.
It came to a boiling point tonight when I just burst into tears when my mom asked me how I was doing. She knows that I have problems with this because she is the one who I talk to about it usually. She is my 'safe person' as you would hear it in a psychology book.
I tell my mom everything. She is literally my best friend in the world and I am so thankful to have her to be able to talk to.
Tonight, my mom spoke some words that brought me out of this massive depression that I have been in for the past week.
After I spent probably 30 minutes going over the same things I always say are making me panic..mom says a sentence and at the end of it she says the phrase "God's will". It was like I ran into an invisible wall. BOOM.
It made sense.
My panic attacks are as followed:
one bad thought.
two bad thoughts.
three bad thoughts.
infinite bad thoughts about the future
thoughts about failing
thoughts about anything that scares me
I figured out that I have let The Enemy (The Devil, Satan, Lucifer- whatever name you want to pin on him) get into my head and help me get lost in a sea of negativity and fear. For the past week, I have been in the worst of my issues yet. I felt like my mind was just scrambled and I could not think about anything happy. I thought about the most morbid, sad things that had to do with the future. I thought about death, sadness, fear, uncertainty. I let me get tangled up in my own mind that had been polluted with this utter crap that Mr. Devil had stuck in my head. See, I don't blame him for a lot. But I am a very happy person and very positive, so I know that when I am sad to the point of tears every single day with no reason at all..there is an outside source.
I have always had issues with fear and losing the people I love. What has he used on me to turn me into this shell of a person? The fear of death and losing the people I love. and failure. and making mistakes.
"God's will."
I realized that I had been in my own head, keeping God out of it. I have been trying to fight this battle on my own. I was convinced that I was crazy. But I promise you, the moment I looked at my mom and admitted that I have let my walk with God slip and that I was trying to deal with all of this on my own, I felt a weight lift off me. It felt like I could breathe again.
It is so easy to forget that God is there, waiting to help, wanting to help, and needing to help. We need Him, and yet it is so easy just to say, "No God, let me do this on my own. I think I can handle this." Mm mm. No no. I have learned the hard way. God absolutely must be first- numero uno- in my life. When I give that little bit of space in mind that should be more space for Him..just for other thoughts- the enemy sneaks in and plants that little seed of doubt. The seed grows and takes over the other space that is for God, and before I knew it, I am lost in this massive field of hellish thoughts. And I as going through each row just harvesting away.
My life is in God's will. He knows everything that is going to happen to me. He IS my future. Why am I sitting here in constant fear of my future, when no matter what happens- God IS my future. No matter what happens around me, God IS my future. He was my past, even when I denied Him. He is my Present, even when I try to run from Him. And He will be my future, through all of the mistakes I may or may not make. I have no need to sit in my room and just stew over these thoughts, letting them rob me of my future. God is my future.
He holds it all.
If we all could just remember that simple fact, life would seem so much less complicated. Yes we have decisions to make..important decisions. But, don't worry. God is there, knowing what is going on. He's got this. He's got it all.
Stress has no place in my mind. Psalm 27:1- The Lord is my light and my salvation so why should I be afraid?
Fear has no place in my mind. - 2Timothy 1:7- For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Worry has no place in my mind. Psalm 37:5- Commit you way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
God has it all. He's got it.
It came to a boiling point tonight when I just burst into tears when my mom asked me how I was doing. She knows that I have problems with this because she is the one who I talk to about it usually. She is my 'safe person' as you would hear it in a psychology book.
I tell my mom everything. She is literally my best friend in the world and I am so thankful to have her to be able to talk to.
Tonight, my mom spoke some words that brought me out of this massive depression that I have been in for the past week.
After I spent probably 30 minutes going over the same things I always say are making me panic..mom says a sentence and at the end of it she says the phrase "God's will". It was like I ran into an invisible wall. BOOM.
It made sense.
My panic attacks are as followed:
one bad thought.
two bad thoughts.
three bad thoughts.
infinite bad thoughts about the future
thoughts about failing
thoughts about anything that scares me
I figured out that I have let The Enemy (The Devil, Satan, Lucifer- whatever name you want to pin on him) get into my head and help me get lost in a sea of negativity and fear. For the past week, I have been in the worst of my issues yet. I felt like my mind was just scrambled and I could not think about anything happy. I thought about the most morbid, sad things that had to do with the future. I thought about death, sadness, fear, uncertainty. I let me get tangled up in my own mind that had been polluted with this utter crap that Mr. Devil had stuck in my head. See, I don't blame him for a lot. But I am a very happy person and very positive, so I know that when I am sad to the point of tears every single day with no reason at all..there is an outside source.
I have always had issues with fear and losing the people I love. What has he used on me to turn me into this shell of a person? The fear of death and losing the people I love. and failure. and making mistakes.
"God's will."
I realized that I had been in my own head, keeping God out of it. I have been trying to fight this battle on my own. I was convinced that I was crazy. But I promise you, the moment I looked at my mom and admitted that I have let my walk with God slip and that I was trying to deal with all of this on my own, I felt a weight lift off me. It felt like I could breathe again.
It is so easy to forget that God is there, waiting to help, wanting to help, and needing to help. We need Him, and yet it is so easy just to say, "No God, let me do this on my own. I think I can handle this." Mm mm. No no. I have learned the hard way. God absolutely must be first- numero uno- in my life. When I give that little bit of space in mind that should be more space for Him..just for other thoughts- the enemy sneaks in and plants that little seed of doubt. The seed grows and takes over the other space that is for God, and before I knew it, I am lost in this massive field of hellish thoughts. And I as going through each row just harvesting away.
My life is in God's will. He knows everything that is going to happen to me. He IS my future. Why am I sitting here in constant fear of my future, when no matter what happens- God IS my future. No matter what happens around me, God IS my future. He was my past, even when I denied Him. He is my Present, even when I try to run from Him. And He will be my future, through all of the mistakes I may or may not make. I have no need to sit in my room and just stew over these thoughts, letting them rob me of my future. God is my future.
He holds it all.
If we all could just remember that simple fact, life would seem so much less complicated. Yes we have decisions to make..important decisions. But, don't worry. God is there, knowing what is going on. He's got this. He's got it all.
Stress has no place in my mind. Psalm 27:1- The Lord is my light and my salvation so why should I be afraid?
Fear has no place in my mind. - 2Timothy 1:7- For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Worry has no place in my mind. Psalm 37:5- Commit you way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
God has it all. He's got it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)